Regret...

I'm stuck. I'm lost with no way out. I have made the biggest mistake of my life and can't undo it. Oh, how I wish I could go back in time. Yell, "Annnnd CUT!" Call for a do over. Something. ANYTHING! IF I could I know what I would change. I would walk, not RUN when I saw you coming my way. I would never have spent time trying to get to know you or letting you into my life. I would not have cared if you lived or died. I would not have let you bring me down to your level. I would not have "fallen" for you. I wouldn't have given you my vow.
You are a plague that ascended from the pit of hell to reign down fury on my life.
You are a worthless, vile, pathetic excuse of a man.
You are a liar.
You are hateful.
You are spiteful.
You are unstable.
You are unloving.
You are disrespectful.
You are ungrateful.
You are two faced.
You distort reality.
You are everything that I hate.
You are the epitome of the guy I did NOT want to end up with.
This cannot be my life. Oh, how you have changed. Oh, how much you have stolen from my life. I wish that I could change the past because I don't want you to be a part of my future. You disgust me. I loath being in your presence. I did not deserve the misery you have brought into my life. You fill me with rage. My blood pressure skyrockets with every ignorant, hateful thing you utter. I wish I were someone else. Someone who's happy. Someone with a future. But I'm not; I'm stuck here....with you....and I feel like you're draining the very marrow from my bones. It's dark here....there is no light. When will this end?

Writing and Waiting

From where I'm sitting I can feel the night air wafting in...the rain is pattering down and I am drifting within my own mind. I love the smell of the air when it rains! *sigh* But not even this can fully distract me tonight. You see, I'm thinking about a recently penned letter. (Yes, the REAL kind with ink on paper...will wonders ever cease?) I've written this letter hundreds of times in my mind...adding, deleting, rewording and a time or two, even starting from scratch. I purposely picked a small card to write on so that I would be FORCED to consolidate all of my details into necessary facts. (CONFESSION: I still used the back!) Well, Rome wasn't built in a day and neither was this letter.
But I digress, I so wanted this letter to be....the start of something, to mean something, to touch someone. I tried for a week before actual paper became involved, and then I wrote with my soul! I wrote what I would want someone else to write to me if he or she was in my position. I wrote to people I'd never met about a person I never knew. Strange? Perhaps. It wouldn't be the first time I have ventured into the "unique." I spend more time in the past than I do in the present so I guess that is why I have never and can never meet most of the people that intrigue me. A sojourn into history is how I came to write "that" letter. I was researching the past and found a surprising link to the present. What started out as mere curiosity grew into something verging on obsession. I felt and feel almost haunted by stories from the people of yesterday...how they lived...and how they died. These people lived where I reside and walked where I now tread. This old town is full to the brim with ghosts of forgotten sorrows and lives lost. Broken gravestones are all that remains. There is no one left to remember or to care. Except maybe me. Does that make me crazy? That I spend all this time trying to discover what has been long forgotten?
I wrote to ask questions and give answers if they were desired. I can't stop agonizing over it! Did I explain? Did I offend? Did I sound insane? It's too late to take it back; that letter is making a journey of its own now! Not that I would take it back if I could. It's just the WAITING that does me in! Will they get it? Will they respond? How will they feel? Oh, why do I feel like I'm holding my breath? *exhale*
So for now I do the only thing I can do. Hope. (and maybe just a little daydreaming ;)